


frail state of mind

by tumemxnques



Category: The 1975 (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Panic Attacks, Past Drug Use, Songfic, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 07:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21175814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tumemxnques/pseuds/tumemxnques
Summary: » i'm sorry 'bout my frail state of mind «





	frail state of mind

**Author's Note:**

> it's been a while since i posted here, but i'm back :) different people and fandom this time, but i hope you will enjoy it nonetheless :) heard the new song yesterday and knew i needed to write a fanfiction with it. 
> 
> trigger warnings: anxiety, depression and mentions of drug use, stay safe everyone, ily
> 
> (the lyrics belong to the 1975)

frail state of mind

**frail state of mind**

**(frail state of mind) **

It happens every once in a while, Matty can't help it. It's like he loses control of his mind, so it can do whatever cruel thing it wants to do. The thoughts get too loud, they won't let him sleep. He is used to it by now, he knows this will pass, but it scares him nonetheless. What scares him the most is that this isn't just going to hurt him, this is going to hurt the people he loves, too. He closes his eyes and prays to a god he doesn't believe in that this time it will be different. Deep down he knows it won't. 

**go outside? **

**seems unlikely**

It's a Friday night when he sees the notifications on his phone screen. It's his bandmates, making plans to go out. Matty doesn't feel like it, he really doesn't. He feels empty and numb, and just the thought of going outside makes him nauseous. He would rather stay at home, hide under his covers. He knows it's stupid, but sometimes this is all he needs: to be left alone. Sure, being alone isn't all that funny when he sits on the shower floor crying, but that has yet to happen. He doesn't want to go out tonight, so he ignores the messages. 

**i'm sorry that i missed your call**

**i watched it ring**

He eventually reads the messages but doesn't respond, so it's not odd that George calls him half an hour before they want to leave. Matty looks at the picture of his best friend on the screen, but he can't get himself to accept the call. He just stands there and watches his vision go blurry with tears. He doesn't let them fall. When the call ends, a tear escapes his left eye, but he quickly wipes it away with an angry movement of his hand. 

**'don't waste their time' **

**i've always got a frail state of mind**

He thinks about texting the boys, telling them to come to his place instead. He is cooking, and he could easily make dinner for four people, but then again he thinks Ross probably wants to invite John and he doesn't know if it's enough for five. He could make it work, he thinks, but he knows his friends are excited to go out tonight. He doesn't want to ruin the mood. He bites his lip and continues to slice the carrots in front of him. Just because his brain won't let him have a good time doesn't mean his friends can't have a good time either. 

**oh boy, don't cry**

**i'm sorry but i, **

**i always get this way sometimes**

He doesn't react when he hears the key and then his door open, because of course it's George, who else would it be? Only George has a key to his flat. "Matty?" he hears him shout, and he sounds terribly panicked. "Matthew!" George's tone causes him to whip around, the big knife still in his hand. George reaches the kitchen and he looks so scared it makes Matty's heart ache. When he sees him, his expression changes, he seems relieved, before he grimaces in pain and rushes over to Matty to wrap his large arms around him. He holds him close and suddenly his body starts to shake. Matty is a little surprised, but he wraps his arms around his friend nonetheless. When the first sob escapes George, Matty knows he's crying. "Hey," he mumbles. "Why are you crying, it's okay, I'm right here, George." George tries to breathe, but he's just so relieved. "Fuck, I thought you- I thought I'd find you- I just-" He doesn't have to say it out loud. Matty knows what he wants to say, and it tears him apart to know he's scarred George for life. "I wouldn't," he whispers, swallowing the lump in his throat. "I would never do that to you again." 

**oh, i'll just leave**

**i'll save you time **

**i'm sorry 'bout my frail state of mind**

When he looks into George's tired eyes as they're sitting at the table, he catches himself thinking about how life would be if he wouldn't have made it back then. Sometimes he thinks his friends would be better off without him. He knows that George would be mad at him for thinking such things, so he quickly forgets about it again. He takes George's hand into his smaller one and squeezes it lightly. "I'm right here." 

**'stay at mine, you might just like it**

**might stop you being miserable' **

"Why don't you just stay at my place for a night or two?" George eventually breaks the silence. Matty raises an eyebrow. "Maybe you would feel better afterwards." Matty just shakes his head. "I wanna stay here," he mutters, looking down at their intertwined fingers. 

**'nah, i'm alright… nah, trust i'm fine, **

**just dealing with a frail state of mind' **

George sighs. "I don't want you to be unhappy. You seem so off these days." Matty inhales sharply. He knows he can't lie to George. "I'm just… just stuck in my head, you know?" George nods. "This is why I don't want to leave you alone." Matty smiles softly. "I know. But I'll be fine, George. Just go. The others are waiting. Me and my brain, we'll be just fine, okay?" George looks at him and he feels like he sees right through him. This is the moment he knows George won't leave anytime soon. 

**oh, don't be shy**

**i'm sorry but i, **

**i always get this way sometimes**

George groans as he leans over to turn the lights off. The bed creaks a little and Matty grins. "Don't break it, alright?" George just grunts as he falls back into the pillows, the room completely dark now. "Shut up, Healy," he growls, but Matty knows he's smiling, too. He hears it in the way he talks. They both stare at the ceiling for a while, no one says a thing. It's awkward, and Matty doesn't remember it being awkward, ever. "George?" he whispers into the darkness, reaching for the taller man's hand. He intertwines their fingers again when he finds it, George's fingertips softly rubbing his hand. "Yeah?" he whispers back. Matty swallows the fear rising in his throat, this is George after all. "Can you- can you hold me?" he whimpers quietly, before he feels his friend shift. He just needs to feel someone close to him now, he craves the warmth that always comes with George's embrace. George pulls him in, wrapping his arms around his tiny body, pressing his head to his chest. He is warm, and Matty is cold. The steady heartbeat is comforting, and sleep is about to get the better of him, but this time he isn't afraid to go to sleep. This time, his thoughts are quiet, his mind is blank. This time, George is there, and with George there to protect him, Matty isn't scared of anything. 

**you lot just leave**

**i'll stay behind**

**i'm sorry 'bout my frail state of mind**

This time, he feels this empty for a longer time than usual. He tells his bandmates, though, so they won't worry about him the way George did. They attend the parties without him, and although he's glad they don't force him to go somewhere he doesn't want to be, a small part of him wishes he wasn't so left out. It's his own fault, he knows that, but he can't stop wishing for one of them to get him to interact with people again. He pushes that thought aside quickly, because he knows it would be useless. He needs to give his mind the time it needs, otherwise things would go terribly wrong. 

**oh, what's the vibe?**

**i wouldn't know, i'm normally in bed at this time**

When they finish the album, he can't keep hiding anymore. He knows he needs to go outside, meaning not just the studio. He needs to celebrate with his friends, so he takes a deep breath as he stands in front of his closet. He stares at all the black pants in there, his heart heavy. This isn't him, this doesn't feel right. He looks at the white skirt on the chair in the corner and bites his lip. He looks back at the pants in the closet, but then throws the door shut so forcefully the loud noise reverberates through the room. He stares at his bed, then the clock on the wall. 8pm. He just wants to sleep. He grabs the skirt and a blue button-up shirt, before he goes to the bathroom to change. 

**you guys, go do your thing**

**and i'll just leave at nine**

**don't wanna bore you with my frail state of mind**

"Matty!" he hears George's excited voice through the anxiety clouding his mind. He doesn't want to be here, he can't breathe, he can't move, he just wants to go home. The music is loud inside the bar, he hears it just standing in the doorframe. He doesn't want to take another step. But then he feels George's hand in his, and he slowly regains control over his mind. "Hey," he breathes and lets himself be hugged for a moment. It's crazy how easily George can chase his anxiety away with just his presence, and Matty is incredibly thankful for it. "You look great," George tells him and Matty swears he can see a blush forming on his face. Matty smiles. "You look great, too." This time, Matty is sure that George is blushing, so he decides to put him out of his misery. "Let's go," he tells him and leads George back inside, because now that George is there, he is convinced he can make it through the night. The feeling doesn't last, though, and Matty finds himself stealing a cigarette from George before he slips outside. He asks a random stranger for a lighter and relaxes immediately when the smoke fills his lungs. The alcohol doesn't help, and all he wants is to go home. He looks at his phone. It's almost nine. He hasn't even been able to enjoy the party for an hour. He's so disappointed in himself, but he knows he needs to go home, and he needs to do it now. The weird stares don't help, he knows he shouldn't have picked the skirt. He throws the cigarette away and heads back inside, his head low. He just wants to get his bag and maybe another cigarette from George. When he reaches the table they have been sitting at earlier, he sees the cigarette packet in the middle of the table. George has doodled all over it, and Matty takes a closer look at it. _Take them_, it says, _you need them more than I do_. Matty sighs and takes it._ Don't beat yourself up about it, sleep well, I love you_, it says at the bottom. He grabs his bag and turns to leave, before he turns around one last time to look at the dancefloor. His eyes meet George's, who just smiles softly at him. Matty fights back tears and tries his best to form a smile, before he storms outside. He hurries home, pulling a cigarette out of the packet while he does so. _You looked so good in that skirt_, it says, and Matty bursts into tears. He stuffs it back into the packet, wiping over his eyes with the back of his hand. 

**‘oh winner winner!! that’s your biggest lie!**

**i’m sure that you’re ‘fine''**

Matty groans when the sunlight suddenly hits his face the next morning. He opens his eyes slowly and sees George standing in front of the window. "Made you breakfast," he says, "I'll meet you downstairs." Matty lets out another groan, before he forces himself to get up and follows George to his kitchen. They sit at the table in silence, and George watches Matty eat. "Talk to me," he says after a while. Matty frowns and swallows quickly. "About what?" George scoffs. "Everything? What is going on, Matty? You're being so weird and irritated and over all you just seem to be a mess, but you won't let me help and it kills me." Matty pushes his plate away. He suddenly doesn't feel hungry anymore. "I'm fine, George." He flinches when George's palm hits the table. "Yeah, sure you're fine. You didn't run out of the fucking bar last night after less than an hour there, no. You don't distance yourself from all of us either, am I right?" George doesn't necessarily seem angry, Matty knows that, he seems just so incredibly hurt. He shakes his head slowly. "It's not on purpose, George, I-" George's loud voice shakes so much when he cuts him off. "Then what are you doing, Matty?" There are tears in his eyes, they look like stars, Matty thinks. A misplaced thought, but it's there. "Why are you lying?" 

**i haven’t told a lie in quite some time**

Matty looks at him when he says that. "I'm not lying, George." George inhales shakily. "Matty," he whispers, almost afraid to say out loud what he thinks. "Are you using again?" The question hits him harder than he's expected. "What?" he whispers, unable to understand how his best friend could think so poorly of him. "George," he breathes, "how could you?" George knows he messed up when he looks into Matty's eyes. His friend seems so genuinely hurt, he knows it isn't drugs this time. "I'm sorry, I just assumed, because-" Matty doesn't let him finish. "Yeah, you assumed. Get the fuck out of my flat, George. I don't want to see you right now." George knows it would be useless to protest. He gets up and leaves, but not without saying sorry again, which is met with the slam of Matty's door. 

**‘you know we’ll leave, if you keep lying**

**don’t lie behind your frail state of mind’**

Matty feels like it's last year over and over again, and it makes him feel sick. He just wants to jump out of a window, but then again, he doesn't want to die, not really. Life is okay right now, no doubt, but George thinking he was back to using drugs again broke his heart. He's gone now, Matty is alone. Alone with his mind. He knows he isn't just pushing George away, the others are slowly leaving, too. He doesn't want them to leave. He needs them. All of them. He won't let his mind win, not this time. So he sits down and writes. 

**frail state of mind**

It's way past midnight when George wakes up to a small, cold hand on his arm. "Georgie," he hears Matty's voice. He doesn't jump, it's not unusual for Matty to come to his place at any time, day and night. He remembers their fight and sits up straight. "Matty, I'm so sorry," he whispers, but Matty puts a finger to his lips, causing him to shut up. "Georgie, can we make some music? I wrote something. I can't explain what's going on with me, but I think the song can." George nods sleepily, cupping Matty's face softly. "Sure." The moonlight coming from George's window illuminates Matty's soft features. He looks beautiful, George thinks. So broken, but so beautiful. "I love you so, so much, Matty. You know that, right?" he whispers. Matty nods, closing his eyes, focusing on the warm touch of George's hands. "I know. I love you, too. I don't mean to hurt you. My mind just makes it so hard sometimes, I-" He can't find the words, but he knows the song does. The song will make George understand. 

**frail state of mind**

**frail state of mind**

_ **frail state of mind** _


End file.
